成長的藝術 ◎露琵‧考爾（Rupi Kaur）著；張家綺 譯
⠀
十二歲我第一次覺得自己美
身體猶如一顆初熟水果
突然間
男人淌著口水瞅著我的初生臀
下課時間男生不想玩捉鬼
只想觸摸我的身體
那嶄新又陌生的部位
我不曉得如何駕馭
也不知怎麼坦然面對
努力想將它藏在胸腔裡
咪咪，他們說
我厭惡這兩個字
厭惡我說出這兩個字的尷尬
即使這兩個字指的是我身體
卻不屬於我
而是屬於他們
他們重複這兩個字
好像深思它的含意
咪咪，它說
讓我看看妳的吧
除了罪惡羞恥沒什麼好看
我試著腐爛陷入腳底泥巴
卻依舊杵在距離他那
勾起指頭的一尺之外
他俯衝上來啃噬我的半月
我咬了他前臂，好恨這副軀體
一定是我做錯事才會有它
回家後我告訴媽媽
外面的男人飢腸轆轆
她告訴我
我不能穿袒露胸部的洋裝
又說，男孩看見蜜果會飢餓
她說，我應該兩腿交叉坐正
這是女人該有的姿態
不然男人會氣憤動粗
又說，我可以避免這一切
只要我學習當淑女
問題是
這根本說不過去
我想不通為什麼
我得說服全世界一半人口
我的身體不是他們的睡床
明明我該學的是科學和數學
卻得學習身為女人該承受的下場
我喜歡翻筋斗和體育課，無法
想像兩腿夾緊走路
似欲窩藏某個祕密
彷彿接受我自己的身體部位
就等於邀請他們腦海起邪念
我不打算迎合他們的思想
因為蕩婦羞辱是性侵文化
處女情結是性侵文化
我不是你最愛商店的
櫥窗模特兒
不能任你隨意更衣，或
一旦被用過就丟棄
你不是食人族
你的行為不是我的責任
你有自制能力
下一次我去上學
男孩朝我後背吹口哨
我推倒他們
一腳踩上他們的頸子
挑釁地說
咪咪
那個眼神簡直太好笑
⠀
⠀
i felt beautiful until the age of 12
when my body began to ripen like new fruit
and suddenly the men,
looked at my newborn hips with salivating lips
the boys didn't want to play tag at recess
they wanted to touch all the new and unfamiliar parts of me
the parts i didn't know how to carry
didn't know how to wear
tried to bury in my ribcage
⠀
boobs,
they said and
i hated that word
hated that i was embarrassed to say it
that even though it was referring to my body
it didn't belong to me
it belonged to them
and they repeated it like they were meditating upon it
boobs
they said
let me see yours
there is nothing worth seeing here
but guilt and shame
i try to rot into the earth below my feet
but i am still standing 1 foot across from his hooked fingers
and when he charges to feast on my half moons
i bite into his forearm
and decide that i hate this body
that i must have done something terrible
to deserve it
⠀
when i go home i tell my mother
that the men outside were starving
she tells me i must
not dress with my
breasts hanging
said the boys will get hungry
if they see fruit
she tells me to sit with my legs closed
like a woman oughtta
or the men will get angry and fight
said i can avoid all of this trouble
if i just learn to act like a lady
but the problem is
that doesn't even make sense
i can't wrap my head around the fact that
i have to convince half the worlds population
that my body is not their bed
i am busy learning the consequences of womanhood
when i should be learning science and math instead
i like cartwheels and gymnastics
so i can't imagine walking around with my thighs pressed together
like they're hiding a secret
as if the acceptance of my own body parts
will invite thoughts of lust in their heads
i will not subject myself to their ideology
because
slut shaming is rape culture
virgin praising is rape culture
i am not a mannequin in the window of your favourite shop
you can't dress me up or
throw me out
you are not a cannibal
your actions are not my responsibility
you will control yourself
⠀
so the next time i go to school
and the boys hoot at my backside
i push them down
foot over their necks
and defiantly say
boobs
the look in their eyes
is priceless
⠀
—'the art of growing', "the sun and her flowers" by by Rupi Kaur
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