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Christmas will be a more subdued affair this year because of the pandemic. There won’t be large parties or celebrations, but there’s still plenty to see and do with your SingapoRediscover Vouchers. It’s a good opportunity to spend more time with loved ones and reflect on the true meaning of Christmas. – LHL
(The lights of the Singapore Flyer and Helix Bridge as seen from a distance./ Photo by me)
สำหรับคนที่ไม่ได้อ่านเมื่อเช้าครับ :)
1
ทันทีที่อ่านบทสัมภาษณ์พี่โน้ต-อุดม แต้พานิชใน The Cloud จบลง ผมก็ส่งข้อความไปหาพี่โน้ตทันทีว่าอ่านแล้วชอบมาก
ที่ชอบเพราะหลายคำตอบในนั้นทำให้เห็น "คำตอบ" ที่มาพร้อม "ความอาวุโส" ของชีวิต
พูดถึง "ความอาวุโส" นี้ผมไม่คิดว่าเกี่ยวกับ "อายุ" หากเกี่ยวกับความรู้สึก "อยู่มานาน" ซึ่งแต่ละคนมีไม่เท่ากัน ตามทฤษฎีด้านเวลา-หากชีวิตใครผ่านเหตุการณ์หรือประสบการณ์มามากจะรู้สึกว่าตัวเอง "ผ่านเวลา" มานานกว่าคนที่มีเหตุการณ์ในชีวิตน้อยกว่า
ชีวิตที่ "eventful" จึง "อาวุโส"
นอกจากนั้นผมยังแอบคิดอีกว่าการแบกรับภาระของ "ความดัง" ไว้บนบ่าก็ทำให้คนเรา "อาวุโส" ได้เช่นกัน เชื่อว่าน้องๆ BNK48 ทั้งหลายเมื่อผ่านไปสามปีก็จะมีความ "อาวุโส" ในหัวใจมากกว่าคนวัยเดียวกันทั่วๆ ไป
"อาวุโส" จึงไม่เท่ากับ "ชรา"
แต่อาจนำมาซึ่งความเข้าใจชีวิต
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2
“แต่ก่อนผมไม่ค่อยระวังตัว ถ้าเป็นช่วง 30 เราพรั่งพรูออกไปแล้วเดี๋ยวเกิดอะไรก็เรื่องของมึง ทั้งที่ผมไม่ต้องพูดประโยคนั้นก็ได้ ไม่ต้องมีใครเดือดร้อน ตอนนี้ผมพยายามเลือกคำ มีความใจเขาใจเราอยู่”
นี่เป็นหนึ่งคำตอบธรรมดาๆ ที่แสดงให้เห็นถึงความเปลี่ยนแปลงระหว่าง "วัยห่าม" กับ "วัยนิ่ง"
"ศูนย์กลาง" เปลี่ยนไปจากตัวเองไปอยู่ที่คนอื่น การก่นด่าโลกเปลี่ยนไปเป็นการทำงานกับตัวเองภายใน
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3
ท่ามกลางโลกที่เปลี่ยนแปลงอย่างฉับไวชวนปวดหัว หลายอาชีพล้มหายตายจาก โอกาสเหมือนมีให้ไขว่คว้าเต็มไปหมด แต่คว้ามาแล้วไม่นานก็หลุดมือไปอีก เจอคู่แข่งใหม่ๆ ผุดขึ้นเป็นดอกเห็น พี่โน้ตพบคำตอบของตัวเองว่า "ให้ทำเรื่องเล็กๆ อยู่ในที่เล็กๆ ของเราก็สามารถอยู่ได้"
เขายกตัวอย่าง "จิโร่" คุณลุงนักทำซูชิระดับเทพ ที่ทำซูชิเสียจนกลายเป็น "ศิลปะ" ผู้คนรอต่อคิวเป็นเดือนๆ ขายในราคาที่แพงกว่าซูชิทั่วไป
ส่วนตัวแล้วผมสนใจคำว่า "เล็กๆ" ที่ออกจากปากของคนระดับซูเปอร์สตาร์ ผมเดาว่าแต่ก่อนพี่โน้ตน่าจะเคยรู้สึกว่า "เดี่ยว" ของเขานั้นไม่ใช่งานเล็ก กระทั่งอาจมีบางช่วงวัยที่อยากขยายตัวเองให้ครอบคลุมพื้นที่ออกไปให้มากที่สุด
แต่ในโลกที่ขยายตัวออกทุกวินาที พี่โน้ตกลับเห็นสิ่งที่ตัวเองทำเป็นเพียง "เรื่องเล็กๆ" ซึ่งอยู่ใน "ที่เล็กๆ ของเรา"
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4
คำว่า "ที่เล็กๆ ของเรา" ก็สำคัญ ในโลกทุกวันนี้เราต้องหา "ที่แห่งนั้น" ให้เจอ ซึ่งจะว่าไปอาจไม่ควรใช้คำว่า "หา" แต่ควรใช้คำว่า "สร้าง" ที่แห่งนั้นขึ้นมาเสียมากกว่า
ไม่ได้ "สร้าง" แบบเร่งรีบ ขอไปที แต่สร้างแบบพิถีพิถัน ค่อยเป็นค่อยไป ประณีตบรรจง ใส่ใจ ทุ่มเท แล้ว "ที่เล็กๆ ของเรา" จะค่อยๆ เกิดขึ้นมา และเปิดโอกาสให้เราได้หยัดยืนบนผืนโลกที่เต็มไปด้วยความเปลี่ยนแปลง
พี่โน้ตตอบข้อความกลับมาว่า "ผมเพิ่งเข้าไปอ่านบทสัมภาษณ์ของพี่บอยโกซึ่งอยู่ถัดจากบทสัมภาษณ์ของผม สิ่งที่น่าแปลกใจก็คือว่าคล้ายคลึงกันในความคิดความรู้สึกอย่างมาก มันน่าจะเป็นเช่นนี้ใช่ไหมสำหรับคนอายุ 50"
ผมคลิกตามเข้าไปอ่านบทสัมภาษณ์พี่บอยใน The Cloud ซึ่งพูดถึงการละวางจากชื่อเสียง ความไม่เที่ยงของมัน แต่สิ่งที่คล้ายกันกับคำตอบของพี่โน้ตมากก็คือความรู้สึกอยากทำงานไปจนตาย ถึงขั้นพูดว่า "ตอนตายต้องตายในห้องอัด หรือกำลังทำเพลงแล้วก็หัวใจวายตาย พีกดี ถ้าเป็นแบบนี้สำหรับเรามันเป็น Happy Ending"
ขณะที่พี่โน้ตพูดถึงการทำงานว่าไม่ได้ทำเพื่อให้คนมายกย่องว่าสุดยอด ไม่ได้เปรียบเทียบกับตัวเองในครั้งที่ผ่านๆ มา แต่ทำเพื่อ "ดำเนินต่อไป" ทำเพราะรักที่จะทำ และกระบวนการที่เอาใจใส่ในการพูดการซ้อมเพื่อให้ได้ "ซูชิ" ที่ดีที่สุดนี่เองที่ทำให้ชีวิตมีความหมาย
อีกจุดที่น่าสนใจคือ เนื้อแท้ของการทำงานนั้นไม่ได้ทำเพื่อตัวเองแบบเดิมแล้ว แต่ทำเพื่อคนอื่น ตั้งใจทำเพื่อให้คนอื่นมีความสุข คล้ายกับพี่บอยโกที่อยากเขียนเพลงเพื่อชโลมหัวใจคน เมื่อทำงานด้วยทัศนคติแบบนี้ "ความเจ๋ง" ก็เป็นเรื่องเล็ก และ "น้ำหนัก" ของการเปรียบเทียบทั้งกับตัวเองและคนอื่นที่แบกไว้บนบ่าก็เบาลงทันที
เรา "คราฟต์" ผลงานของเราเพื่อรอยยิ้มของคนที่ได้สัมผัสผลงานนั้น
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5
เมื่อคราฟต์ผลงาน ชีวิตเราจะคราฟต์ตามไปด้วย ประณีตตามไปด้วย เราไม่ได้ทำทุกสิ่งที่ทำได้ แต่เราจะทำเฉพาะสิ่งที่รักและตั้งใจทำให้ดีที่สุด
ชีวิตเช่นนี้ย่อม "คัดสรร" สิ่งที่เห็นแล้วว่ามีคุณค่าของตัวเองและคนอื่น มิใช่ทำทุกอย่างที่โอกาสเปิดกว้างให้ทำ
ไม่พยายามยืดแขนขาออกไปครอบครองอาณาจักรใหญ่โต แต่เข้มข้นที่สุด บรรจงที่สุดกับ "ที่เล็กๆ ของเรา" และตั้งใจทำ "สิ่งเล็กๆ" นั้นให้ดีที่สุด แล้ววันหนึ่ง "สิ่งเล็กๆ" นั้นจะผลิดอกออกผลทำให้เราอยู่ได้
ที่สำคัญไปกว่านั้นคือ การตั้งใจทำ "หนึ่งสิ่ง" ให้ดีสุดฝีมือนั้นทำให้ทุกวันมีความหมายมากกว่าการทำ "ทุกสิ่ง" แล้วความสนใจ พลังงาน ความสามารถกระจัดกระจายเสียจนสัมผัสไม่ได้ถึงคุณค่าของสิ่งนั้นและคุณค่าของตัวเอง
เมื่อตั้งใจทำงาน เราจะรู้สึกทันทีว่าตัวเรามีคุณค่า
เมื่อทำแบบผ่านๆ ไป ขอไปที เราจะรู้สึกว่าชีวิตช่างไร้ความหมาย
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6
ในหนังสือ "ฮารูกิ มูราคามิ ไปพบ ฮายาโอะ คาวาอิ" มีประเด็นหนึ่งเกี่ยวกับเรื่องนี้ นั่นคือเรื่อง "คอมมิตเมนต์" หรือการทุ่มเทตน
คุณคาวาอิบอกว่า คนหนุ่มสาวเดี๋ยวนี้จะรู้สึกว่าสภาพ "ดีแทชเมนต์" (การไม่ยึดโยงเข้ากับอะไร/อิสรภาพ) เป็นเรื่องที่คูลและเท่ ส่วนมูราคามิบอกว่า เขาให้ความสำคัญกับคอมมิตเมนต์มากขึ้นเรื่อยๆ
ผมตั้งข้อสังเกตเอาเองว่า ด้วยความเร็วของเทคโนโลยีและข้อมูลข่าวสารล้นทะลักเช่นนี้ ผู้คน "จ่มตัวเอง" ลงไปในสิ่งใดสิ่งหนึ่งได้ยากขึ้นเรื่อยๆ เราหลงใหลคลั่งไคล้และให้เวลาด่ำดิ่งลงไปในสิ่งที่รัก สิ่งที่มุ่งมาดปรารถนากันอย่างยาวนานน้อยลงเรื่อยๆ ทำสิ่งหนึ่งได้แป๊บหนึ่งเดี๋ยวก็เปลี่ยนไปทำอีกอย่างหนึ่งแล้ว หรือไม่ก็ทำงานชิ้นเล็กๆ แบบรวดเร็วให้จบไปในแต่ละวัน จึงยากมากที่จะมีโอกาสได้สร้างสรรค์งานที่ประณีตบรรจงซึ่งต้องอาศัยการ "คอมมิต" ตัวเองกับสิ่งนั้นอย่างจ่มจ่อเนิ่นนาน
การที่เราทำงานแบบ "ผ่านไปวันๆ" นี่เองที่ทำให้เรารู้สึกว่างเปล่ากับชีวิต ความคิดอยาก "ดีแทช" ตัวเองจากทุกอย่างนี่เองที่ทำให้เรา "เหงา"
ชีวิตที่มีความหมายคือชีวิตที่ปักหลัก จมจ่อ ใส่ใจ ขัดเกลา ทำเกินร้อย สร้างงานที่ทำอยู่ให้เป็น "งานคราฟต์" ไม่ว่างานนั้นจะเป็นอะไรก็ตาม
แทนที่จะใฝ่หา "อิสระ" ทางการงานหรือการเงิน สิ่งที่ทำให้ชีวิตมีความหมายกลับกลายเป็นการ "ผูกมัด" ตัวเองเข้ากับสิ่งที่เราเห็นว่ามีคุณค่าต่างหาก
แทนที่จะคิดถึงการ "ลาออก" สิ่งที่ทำให้ชีวิตเบิกบานอาจเป็นการ "ทุ่มเท" ให้งานที่ทำอยู่กลายเป็นสิ่งที่มีความหมายในชีวิตให้จงได้
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7
กระนั้นคุณคาวาอิก็แนะนำว่า "คนเราควรใช้ชีวิตไปกับสิ่งที่สำคัญที่สุดของตน...อัตลักษณ์จะปรากฏชัดขึ้นเรื่อยๆ ระหว่างมีชีวิตไป"
สิ่งที่จำเป็นอย่างยิ่งในโลกที่เต็มไปด้วยทางเลือกเช่นทุกวันนี้คือการตัด คัดทิ้ง และคอมมิตเฉพาะสิ่งที่สำคัญ
บังเอิญเหลือเกินที่หนังสือ "อิคิไก" ของเคน โมงิ ก็ยกตัวอย่างเรื่องซูชิของคุณลุงจิโร่ เริ่มเล็กๆ จดจ่อกับสิ่งนั้น ปั้นมันให้เป็นคราฟต์ ไปให้ไกลกว่าที่ตลาดต้องการ ทำให้มีคุณภาพยิ่งกว่าที่จำเป็น แล้วงานนั้นจะค่อยๆ พาเราเข้าไปอยู่ในภาวะลื่นไหล แล้วเราจะอยากตื่นขึ้นมาทำงานนั้น
"งานเล็กๆ" ใน "ที่เล็กๆ ของเรา"
คุณลุงจิโร่ก็พูดคล้ายพี่บอยโกว่า จะขอตายตอนปั้นซูชินี่แหละ
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8
ชีวิตของผมเองตอนนี้ตัดเหลือสามสิ่งสำคัญ หนึ่งคือร่างกาย สองคือการงาน สามคือความสัมพันธ์
ร่างกาย-ผมคอมมิตกับตัวเองว่าจะวิ่งมาราธอนเป็นระยะ ทำให้ต้องซ้อมอย่างต่อเนื่อง อยากวิ่งให้ดีขึ้นเรื่อยๆ และพยายามจะ "คราฟต์" การวิ่งให้ค่อยๆ สวยงามขึ้นในแง่สถิติทั้งหลาย
การงาน-หลังจากเปลี่ยนวิธีการ ตัดการงานเล็กน้อยออกไป ใช้เวลาเขียนหนังสือเล่มหนาๆ ผมพบว่าตัวเองมีพลัง มีภาวะลื่นไหล และมีสมาธิกับงานแบบนี้อย่างมาก ที่สำคัญกว่านั้นผมรู้สึกมีความสุขกับงานที่ทำ และชอบผลงานที่สำเร็จออกมามากกว่าตอนทำงานชิ้นเล็กๆ ที่มีปริมาณมากแต่คุณภาพอาจไม่เข้มข้น
ความสัมพันธ์-เมื่อคัดสรรงานและกิจกรรมให้เหลือแต่สิ่งสำคัญ เวลาที่มากขึ้นจึงมอบให้คนใกล้ชิดและมิตรสหายได้มากขึ้น ซึ่งความสัมพันธ์ที่ดีย่อมทำให้ชีวิตมีพลังไปดูแลร่างกายและสร้างสรรค์ผลงานต่อไป
ช่วงสองปีที่ผ่านมา ผมได้เรียนรู้ว่า ชีวิตที่ดีนั้นไม่ต้องเปรียบเทียบกับใคร กระทั่งเปรียบเทียบกับตัวเองในอดีต งานที่ดีคืองานที่เราพร้อมทุ่มเท จดจ่อ และอยากพัฒนาให้มันดีที่สุด จะทำแบบนั้นได้ต้องปล่อยมือจากงานที่ "อยากทำ" แต่ไม่ "อยากที่สุด" เสียบ้าง การทำเช่นนี้อย่างต่อเนื่องจะทำให้เรารู้สึกอยากตื่นขึ้นมาเพื่อ "ขัดเกลา" สิ่งนั้นให้ดีขึ้นเรื่อยๆ
ใช่แหละ, เราอาจยังทำได้ไม่ดีที่สุดในตอนต้น เหมือนการวิ่งที่ยังไม่ดีนัก แต่ถ้าทำไปเรื่อยๆ เราจะค่อยๆ เห็นผลในการงานที่ทำ ขอเพียงแค่อย่ารีบปล่อยมือจากมัน
"งานเล็กๆ" ในสายตาคนอื่น อาจมีคุณค่ามากสำหรับชีวิตเรา เพราะมันจะค่อยๆ ถางทางให้เกิด "ที่เล็กๆ ของเรา" ขึ้นมาได้
เราไม่ได้ต้องการคนทั้งโลกหรือทั้งประเทศ หรือมากมายอะไรเพื่อทำให้การงานที่เรารักนั้นดำเนินต่อไปได้ เราต้องการแค่ "จำนวนหนึ่ง" ซึ่งมากพอ
"จำนวนหนึ่ง" ที่ต่อแถวรอเข้าร้านซูชิร้านเล็กๆ ของเรา
แต่สิ่งนั้นมิได้เกิดขึ้นเพียงชั่วข้ามคืน มันอาศัยการยืนระยะ กัดไม่ปล่อย และทำสุดหัวใจและฝีมือ จนกว่าจะได้ "ซูชิ" ที่อร่อยที่สุด
แต่มันคุ้มที่จะ "คอมมิต" กับอะไรสักอย่าง เพราะชีวิตที่ไม่คอมมิตกับอะไรอย่างจริงจังนั้นช่างว่างเปล่าและไร้ความหมาย
หาสิ่งที่จะประณีตกับมัน ทำสุดหัวใจ
แล้วชีวิตเราจะมีความหมาย
แล้วชีวิตจะกลายเป็น "ศิลปะ" ในตัวมันเอง
1
As soon as I read the interview, brother note-udomtae panich in the cloud ended, I sent a message to brother note that I like it very much.
I like it because many answers in it makes me see the " answer " that comes with " Seniority " of life.
Speaking of this " Seniority " I don't think it's about " age " if it's about feeling " for a long time " that each person has not equal in theory - if someone's life has been through many events or experiences, you will feel like they are " through time " With less life events
" eventful " life is " Senior "
Besides, I secretly think that carrying the burden of " famous " on my shoulder can also make people " Senior " too. I believe that bnk48 sisters, there will be more " Senior " in the heart than the same age.
" Senior " is not equal to " old age "
But may bring understanding life
...
2
"before I wasn't careful. If it's 30, we were out. Whatever happens, it's your business. Even if I don't have to say that sentence. No one needs to be in trouble. Now I'm trying to choose a word to have his heart."
This is one normal answer that shows the change between " age " and " young age
"Center" has changed from yourself to other people. Cursing the world has changed to work with yourself within.
...
3
In the midst of a world that changes quickly, many careers fall away from opportunities. It seems like there are plenty of them. But I have snatched it. Soon, I found a new rival. I see brother note found his answer, " to do small things in Our small place can live "
For example, " Jiro " Uncle, a great sushi maker who made sushi to become " Art people have been waiting for months to sell at more expensive than normal sushi.
Personally, I am interested in the word " small " that comes out of superstar's mouth. I guess brother note should have felt that his " solo " is not a small job, even some ages that I want to extend himself to cover. Space out as much as possible
But in a world that expands every second, brother note sees what he does is just " small things " that are in our " small place "
...
4
The Word " our small place " is important in the world. Nowadays, we need to find " that place " that we should not use the word " find " but we should use the word " build " place to lose.
I don't " build " in a hustle, but it's a meticulously, gradually, delicately. We are dedicated. " our little place " will slowly happen and open the opportunity for us to stand on a world full of change.
Brother note replied, " I just read brother boy ko's interview next to my interview. The surprise thing is that it's very similar in my thoughts. It should be like this for a 50 year old
I clicked to read the interview of brother boy in the cloud, which talks about his reputation, but the similar thing with brother note's answer is that I want to work until he said " when I die, I die in the room. Recording or making music and having a heart attack. If it's like this for me, it's happy ending "
While brother note talks about working that he didn't do it to make people say that it's awesome. It doesn't compare to himself in the past time, but he does it to " continue " do it because he loves to do it and the best " process of speaking rehearsal to get the best " Sushi " that makes it Life has meaning
Another interesting point is that the real texture of work is not doing it for yourself, but do it for others. Focus on doing it to make others happy. Similar to brother boy who wants to write a song to help people's heart when working with this kind of attitude " cool " it's a small thing and the " weight " of comparing both myself and others who carry on the shoulder is lighter immediately.
We "Craft" our work for the smile of those who have touched that work.
...
5
When craft our life will craft followed by exquisite. We do not do everything we can, but we will do only what we love and focus on doing our best.
Life like this will "choose" what you see that you have value for yourself and others, not doing everything that you have an open opportunity to do.
Not trying to stretch out limbs to possess the biggest kingdom, but the most intense with " our little place " and focus on doing our best " small things " and one day " small things " will be bloomed to make us live.
More importantly, it is to do your best " one thing " makes every day more meaningful than doing " everything " and attention, energy, ability is scattered that you can't feel the value of that and your own value.
When we focus on working, we will immediately feel that we are valuable.
When I do it through, please ask for it. I will feel that life is meaningless.
...
6
In the book " Haruki Murami to meet hayao kawai there is one point about it. is " commissioned " or dedication.
Mr. Kawaii said that young people will now feel "Dtachmentum" (Non-connected to anything / freedom) is cool and cool. Murami says he values the commissions. More and more and more.
I have noticed that with the speed of technology and information overflow like this, people "dipping themselves" into something. We are passionate, crazy and give time to go down to what they love what you are focused. Let's wish for less and less. Do one thing. You will change. Do another thing or work quickly. Each day. It's very difficult to have a chance to create exquisite work that requires " commit. " myself with that for a long time.
The way we work like " through day " makes us feel empty with our life. I want to " Dtash " from everything that makes us " lonely "
A meaningful life is a life that settles down, purify, do more than a hundred. Create a "Craft" whatever the work is.
Instead of seeking " freedom " in work or finance, what makes life meaningful becomes " binding " to what we see valuable.
Instead of thinking about " quitting " what makes life cheerful, it may be " dedicated " to the work that you do become meaningful in life.
...
7
Mr. Kawaii also suggested that " people should live with their most important things... identity will become clearer while living...
What is absolutely necessary in a world full of choices such as these days is to cut off and commissions only what matters.
It's a coincidence that keni's "Ikikai" book. For example, Uncle Jiro's sushi started small. Focus on it into a craft further than the market wants to make it even more quality than necessary. And that job will slowly take us into slippery and we will want to wake up to that job
" small job " in our " little place "
Uncle Jiro said it's like brother boy ko that he would want to die when she made sushi.
...
8
My life is now cut down to three important things. One is the body. Two is work. Three is relationship.
My body - I commissioned myself that I would run a marathon periodically. I have to practice continuously. I want to run better and try to "Craft" running slowly getting more beautiful in terms of statistics.
Work - after changing the way to cut off a little work out to write a thick book, I found myself powerful, fluidity and focused on this kind of work. More importantly, I feel happy with the work and prefer the work done more than working. Small pieces with large quantities but quality may not be intense.
Relationships - when selecting jobs and activities are important, more time gives more people closer and friends. Good relationships make life powerful to take care of your body and create the work.
In the past two years, I have learned that a good life doesn't have to compare to anyone. Even compare to myself in the past. Good work is a job that we are ready to focus on and want to develop the best. We can do that. We have to let go of the work that I want to do " but I don't want to do the most doing this continuously will make us feel like waking up to " purify " that thing better.
Yes, we may not do our best at the beginning. It's like a bad run. But if we keep doing it, we will gradually see the result in the work that we do. Just don't rush to let go of it.
" small work " in other people's eyes may be very valuable for our lives because it will slowly squatter the way to " our small place "
We don't need the whole world or the whole country or anything to make our loved work continue. We only need "a number" which is enough.
"a number" in line waiting to enter our little sushi shop
But that doesn't happen overnight. It lives standing, biting, not letting go and doing all my heart and skill until the most delicious "Sushi"
But it's worth "commissioned" with something because life that doesn't commissioned with anything seriously is empty and meaningless.
Find something to be exquisite with it. Do with all my heart.
And our lives will have meaning.
Then life will become "Art" in itself.Translated
My sister, Michelle-Ann Iking's 3% chance of conceiving naturally was a success! Here's her story:
(My apologies as I've been overwhelmed with personal matters. I've only managed to get to my desk. So finally got around posting this).
This is the story behind my sister's pregnancy struggle and how she shared her journey over her Facebook page.
Because some may have not caught her LIVE session chat with me (https://www.facebook.com/daphneiking/videos/687743128744960/) , or read her lengthy post (as it's a private page);
she's allowed me to copy and paste it over my wall, in case you need to know more about her thought process on how AND why she focused on the 3% success probability. Read on.
-------------------------------------------
Posted 10th May 2020.
FB Credit: Michelle-Ann Iking
A week ago today I celebrated becoming a mother to our second, long awaited child.
Please forgive this mother's LONG (self-indulgent) post, journalling what this significant milestone has meant for her personally, for her own fallible memory's sake as well as maybe to share one day with her son.
If all you were wondering was whether I had delivered and if mum and bub are OK, please be assured the whole KkLM family are thriving tremendously, and continue scrolling right along your Newsfeed 😁.
OUR 3% MIRACLE
All babies are miracles... and none more so than our precious Kiaen Aaryan (pronounced KEY-n AR-yen), whose name derives from Sanskrit origins meaning:
Grace of God
Spiritual
Kind
Benevolent
...words espousing the gratitude Kishore and I feel for Kiaen's arrival as our "3% miracle".
He was conceived, naturally, after 3 years of Kishore and I hoping, praying and 'endeavoring'... and only couples for whom the objective switches from pure recreation to (elusive) procreation will understand how this is less fun than it sounds ...
3 years during which time we had consensus from 3 different doctors that we, particularly I (with my advancing age etc etc) had only a 3% chance of natural conception and that our best hope for a sibling for our firstborn, Lara Anoushka, was via IVF.
Lara herself was an 'intervention baby', being one of the 20% of babies successfully conceived through the less intrusive IUI process, after a year and a half of trying naturally and already being told then my age was a debilitating factor.
We had tried another round of IUI for her sibling in 2017 when Lara was a year old. And that time we fell into the ranks of the 80% of would-be parents for whom it would be an exercise in futility... who would go home, comfort each other as best they could, while individually masking their own personal disappointment... hoping for the best, 'the next time around'...
So the improbability ratio of 97% against natural conception of our second baby, as concurred by the combined opinion of 3 medical professionals, was a very real, very daunting figure for us to have to mentally deal with.
Deep, DEEP, down in my heart however, though I had many a day of doubt... I kept a core kernel of faith that somehow, I would again experience the privilege of pregnancy, and again, have a chance at childbirth.
And so, the optimist in me would tell myself, "Well, there have to be people who fall in the 3% bucket... why shouldn't WE be part of the 3%?"
Those who know me well, understand my belief in the Law of Attraction, the philosophy of focusing your mind only on what you want to attract, not on what you don't want, and so even as Kishore and I prepared to go into significant personal debt to attempt IVF in the 2nd half of 2019, I marshalled a last ditch effort to hone in on that 3% chance of natural conception... through research coming across fertility supplements that I ordered from the US and sent to a friend in Singapore to redirect to me because the supplier would not deliver to Malaysia.
I made us as a couple take the supplements in the 3 month 'priming period' in the lead up to the IVF procedure - preconditioning our bodies for optimum results, if you will.
At the same time, I had invested in a sophisticated fertility monitor, with probes and digital sensors for daily tracking of saliva and other unmentionable fluid samples, designed to pinpoint with chemical accuracy my state of fertility on any given day.
(UPDATE: For those interested - I obtained the supplements and Ovacue Fertility Monitor from https://www.fairhavenhealth.com/. Though I had my supplies delivered to a friend in Singapore, and redirected to me here since the US site does not deliver to Malaysia, there are local distributors for these products, you will just have to research the trustworthiness of the vendors yourself...)
I had set an intention - in the 3 months of pre-IVF priming, I would consume what seemed like a pharmacy's worth of supplements, and track fertility religiously... in hopes that somehow, within the 3 month priming period, we would conceive naturally and potentially save ourselves a down payment on a new property... and this was just a projection on financial costs of IVF, not even considering the physical, emotional and mental toll it involves, with no guarantee of a baby at the end of it all...
It was a continuation of an intention embedded even with my first pregnancy, where all the big ticket baby items were consciously purchased for use by a future sibling, in gender neutral colours, in hopes that sibling would be a brother "for a balanced pair", though of course any healthy child would be a welcome blessing.
It was a very conscious determination to always skew my thoughts in service of what the end objective was. For example, when 3+year old Lara would innocently express impatience at not yet having a sibling, at one point suggesting that since we were "taking too long to give her a baby brother/sister", perhaps we should just "go buy a baby from a shop", instead of getting defensive or berating the baby that she herself was, we enlisted Lara's help to pray for her sibling... so in any place of worship, or sacred ground of any kind that we passed thereon, Lara would stop, close her eyes, bow her small head and place her tiny hands together in prayer, reciting earnestly, "Please God, please give me a baby brother or baby sister."
After months and months of watching Lara do this, in the constancy of her childlike chant, Kishore started feeling the pressure of possibly disappointing Lara if her prayer was not answered. Whereas for me, Lara's recitation of her simple wish became like a strengthening mantra, our collective intention imbued with greater power with each repetition, and the goal of a sibling kept very much in the forefront of our minds (hence our calling Lara our 'project manager' in this endeavour).
And somehow in the 2nd month of that 3 month period, a positive + sign appeared on one of the home pregnancy tests I had grown accustomed to taking - my version of the lottery tickets others keep buying in hopes of hitting the jackpot, with all the cyclical anticipation and more often than not, disappointment, that entails...
This time however I was not disappointed.
With God's Grace, (hence 'Kiaen', a variation of 'Kiaan' which means 'Grace of God'), my focus on our joining the ranks of the 3% had materialised.
It seems poetic then, that Kiaen chose to make his appearance on the 3rd May, ironically the same date that his paternal great-grandfather departed this world for the next... such that in the combined words of Kishore and his father Kai Vello Suppiah,
"The 1st generation Suppiah left on 3rd May and the 4th generation Suppiah arrived on 3rd May after 41yrs...
One leaves, another comes, the legacy lives on..."
***
KIAEN AARYAN SUPPIAH'S BIRTH STORY
On Sunday 3rd May, I was 40 weeks and 5 days pregnant.
The baby was, in my mind, very UN-fashionably late past his due date of 29th April, so as much as I had willed and 'manifested' the privilege of pregnancy, to say I was keen to be done with it all was an understatement.
In the weeks leading to up to my full term, I had experienced increasingly intense Braxton-Hicks 'practice contractions' - annoying for me for the discomfort involved, stressful for Kishore who was on tenterhooks with the false alarms, on constant alert for when we would actually need to leave home for the hospital.
Having become a Hypnobirthing student and advocate from my first pregnancy with Lara, and thus being equipped with
(1) a lack of fear about childbirth in general and
(2) a basic understanding of how all the sensations I would experience fit into the big picture of my body bringing our baby closer to us,
I was less stressed - content to wait for the baby to be "fully cooked" and come out whenever he was ready... though I wouldn't have minded at all if the cooking time ended sooner, rather than later.
With Lara, I had been somewhat 'forced' into an induced labour, even though she was not yet due, and that had resulted in a 5 DAY LABOUR, a Birth Story for another post, so I was not inclined to chemically induce labour, even though I was assured that for second time mothers, it would be 'much faster and easier'...
That morning, I had a hunch *maybe* that day was the day, because in contrast to previous weeks' sensations of tightening, pressure and even spasms that were concentrated in the front of my abdomen and occasionally shot through my sides and legs, I felt period - like cramping in my lower back which I had not felt before throughout the pregnancy.
It was about 8am in the morning then, and my 'surges' were still relatively mild ('surges' being Hypnobirthing - speak for 'contractions', designed to frame them with the more positive connotations needed to counteract common language in which childbirth is presented as something that is unequivocally painful and traumatic, instead of the miraculous, powerful and natural phenomenon it actually is).
I recall (masochistically?) entertaining the thought of opting NOT to have an epidural JUST TO SEE WHAT IT WOULD BE LIKE...
I figured this would be the last time I would be pregnant and so it would be my 'last chance' to experience 'drug free labour' which, apart from the health benefits for baby and mother, might be *interesting* in a way that people who are curious about what getting a tattoo and skydiving and bungee jumping are like, might find these *interesting*...even knowing there will be pain and risk involved...
Since I have tried tattoos and skydiving (unfortunately not being able to squeeze in bungee-jumping while my life was purely my own to risk at no dependents' possible detriment) a similar curiousity about a no-epidural labour was on my mind...
In the absence of other signs of the onset of labour (like 'bloody show' or my waters breaking), I wanted to wait until the surges were coming every few minutes before we actually left the house for the hospital, not wanting to be one of those couples who rushed in too early and had interminable waits for the next stage in unfamiliar, clinical surroundings and/or were made to go home in an anti-climatic manner.
I was even calm enough through my surges to have the presence of mind to wash and blowdry my hair, knowing if I did deliver soon I would not be allowed this luxury for a while.
Around 9am I asked Kishore to prep for Lara and himself to be dressed and breakfasted so we could head to hospital soon, while I sent messages to family members on both sides informing them 'today might be the day.'
My mother, who had briefly served as a midwife before going back into general nursing and then becoming a nursing tutor, prophetically stated that if what I was experiencing was true labour, "the baby would be out by noon".
The pace in which my surges grew closer together was surprisingly quicker than I expected; and while I asked Lara to "Hurry up with breakfast" with only a tad more urgency than we normally tell her to do, little Missy being prone to dilly-dallying at meals, I probably freaked Kishore out when about 930am onwards, I had to instinctively get on my hands and knees a couple of times, eyes closed, trying to practice the Hypnobirthing breathing techniques I had revised to help along the process of my body birthing our child into the world.
I recall him saying a bit frantically as I knelt at our front door, doubled over as he waited for Lara to complete something or other, "Lara hurry up! Can't you see Mama is in so much pain and you are taking your own sweet time??!!"
SIDETRACK: Just the night before, Lara and I had watched a TV show in which a woman gave birth with the usual histrionics accompanying pop culture depictions of labour.
Lara watched the scene, transfixed.
I told her, simply and matter-of-factly, "That's what Mama has to do to get baby brother out Lara, and that's what I had to do for you also."
In most of interactions with my daughter, I have sought to equip her to face life's situations with calmness, truthful common sense, and ideally a minimum of drama.
Those who know the dramatic diva that Lara can be will know that this is a work-in-progress, but her response to me that night showed me some of my 'teachings' were sinking in:
She looked at me unfazed, "But Mama," she said. "You won't cry and scream like that lady, right? You will be BRAVE and stay calm, right?"
#nopressure.
So as we prepped to leave for the hospital I did indeed attempt to be that role model of calm for her, asking her only for her help in keeping very quiet,
"Because Mama needs to focus on bringing baby brother out and she needs quiet to concentrate...".
As we left the house at 10.11am, I texted Kishore's sister Geetha to please prep to pick up Lara from the hospital, and was grateful Kishore had the foresight to ask our gynae to prepare a letter for Geetha to show any police roadblocks between my in-laws' home in Subang Jaya and the hospital in Bangsar, this all happening under the Movement Control Order (MCO).
To Lara's credit, in the journey over to the hospital, she - probably sensing the gravity of the situation, sat very quietly in her seat at the back, and the silence was punctuated only by my occasional deep intakes of breath and some variation of my Ohmmm-like moans when the sensations were at their height.
By the time we got to Pantai Hospital at around 10.30am, my surges were strong enough I requested a wheelchair to assist me in getting to the labour ward, as I did not trust my own legs to support me... and Kishore would have to wait until Geetha had arrived to take Lara back to my in-laws' house before he himself could go up.
I slumped in the wheelchair and was wheeled up to the labour room with my eyes closed the whole time, trying to handle my surges.
I didn't even look up to see the attendant who pushed me... but did make the effort to thank him sincerely when he handed me over, with what seemed like a palpable sense of relief on his part, to the labour ward nurses.
The nurse attending me at Pantai was calm, steady and efficient. I answered some questions and changed into my labour gown while waiting for Kishore to come up, all the while managing the increasingly intense surges with my rusty Hypnobirthing breathing techniques.
By the time Kishore joined me at around 11am (I know these timings based on the timestamps of the 'WhatsApp live feed' of messages Kishore sent to his family), I was asking the nurse on duty, "How soon can I get an epidural??" thinking what crazy woman thought she could do this without drugs???!!!
The nurse checked my cervix dilation, I saw her bloodied glove indicating my mucous plug had dislodged, and she told me, "Well you are already at 7cm (which, for the uninitiated, is 70% of the way to the 10cm dilation needed for birthing), you are really doing well, if you made it this far without any drugs, if can you try and manage without it... I suspect within 2 hours or less you will deliver your baby and since it will take about that time for the anaesthesiologist to be called, epidural to be administered and kick in... it might all be for nothing... but of course the decision is completely up to you... "
So there I was, super torn, should I risk the sensations becoming worse... or risk the epidural becoming a waste?? And of course I was trying to decide this as my labour surges were coming at me stronger and stronger...
I was in such a dilemma...because as a 'recovering approval junkie' there was also a silly element of approval-seeking involved, ("The nurse thinks I can do this without drugs... maybe I CAN do this without drugs... Yay me!") mixed with that element of curiosity I mentioned earlier ("What if I actually CAN do this without drugs... plenty of other women have done it all over the world since time immemorial.. no big deal, how bad can it be...??") so then I thought I would use the financial aspect to be the 'tiebreaker' in my decision making...
I asked the nurse how much an epidural would cost and when she replied "Around MYR1.5k", I still remember Kishore's incredulous face as I asked the question, i.e."Seriously babe, you are gonna think about money right now? If you need the epidural TAKE IT, don't worry about the money!!!"... and while we are not rich by any stretch of the imagination, thankfully RM1.5k is not a quantum that made me swing towards a decision to "better save the money"...
So in the end, I guess my curiosity won out, and I turned down the epidural "just to see what it would be like and if I had it in me" (in addition of course to avoiding the side effects of any drugs introduced into my and the baby's body).
My labour occuring in the time of coronavirus, it was protocol for me to have a COVID19 test done, so the medical staff could apply the necessary precautions. I had heard from a friend Sharon Ruba that the test procedure was uncomfortable, so when the nurse came with the test kit as I was starting another surge, I asked, "Please can I just finish this surge before I do the test?" as I really didn't think I could multitask tackling multiple uncomfortable sensations in one go.
The COVID19 test involved what felt like a looong, skinny cotton bud being inserted into one nostril... I definitely felt more than a tickle as it went in and up, being told to take deep breaths by the nurse. Then she asked me to "Try to swallow" and I felt it go into my nasal cavities where I didn't think anything could go any further, but was proven wrong when she asked me to swallow again and the swab was probed even deeper. Then she warned me there would be some slight discomfort as she prepared to collect a sample... but at that point all I could think about was:
(i) I really don't have much of a choice
(ii) please let this be over before my next surge kicks in
(iii) if all the people breaking the MCO rules knew what it feels like to do this test maybe they won't put themselves at risk of the need to perform one...
In full disclosure as I was transferred into the actual delivery room at some point after 11am, another nurse offered me 'laughing gas' to ostensibly take some of the edge off... I took the self-operated breathing nozzle passed to me but don't recall it making any difference to my sensations..so didn't use it much as it seemed pretty pointless.
I recall some measure of relief when I heard my gynae Dr. Paul entering the room, greeting Kishore and me, and telling us it was going well and it wouldn't be long now and he would see us again shortly.
From my previous labour with Lara I knew the midwives pretty much take you 90% of the way through the labour and when the Dr is called in you are really at the home stretch, so was very relieved to hear his voice though knowing he would leave and come back later meant it wasn't quite over yet.
I do remember realising when I had crossed the Thinning and Opening Phase of labour to the Birthing Phase, by the change in sensations... it is still amazing to me that as the Hypnobirthing book mentioned, having this knowledge I was instinctively able to switch breathing techniques for the next stage of labour .
Was my opting against epidural the right choice for me?
Overall? Yes.
Don't get me wrong.
I *almost* regretted the decision several times during active labour... especially when I felt my body being taken over by an overwhelming compulsion to push that did not seem conscious and was accompanied by involuntary gutteral moans where I literally just thought to myself, "I surrender, God do with me what you will..." (super dramatic I know but VERY real at the time...).
I think I experienced 3-4 such natural explusive reflexes (?), rhythmically pushing the baby down the birth path, one of which was accompanied by what felt like a swoosh of water coming out of a hose with a diameter the size of a golf ball... this was when I realised my water had finally broken...
The nurses kept instructing me to do different things, to keep breathing, to move to my side, then to move to the middle, to raise my feet... and when I didn't comply, Kishore (who was with me throughout both my labours) tried to help them by repeating the instructions prefaced with "Sayang..." but I basically ignored all the intructions because I felt I had no capacity to direct any part of my body to do anything and someone else would have to physically manoeuvre that body part themselves.
When I heard Dr. Paul's voice again and the flurry of commotion surrounding his presence, I knew the time was close... and when I heard the nurse say to Kishore, "Sir, these are your gloves, for when you cut the baby's cord", it was music to my ears...
I'm very, VERY grateful Kiaen slid out after maybe the 4th of those involuntary pushes... the wave of RELIEF when he came out so quickly... it still boggles my mind that my mother was essentially right and as his birth time was 12.02pm, it was *only* about 1.5 hours between our arrival at the hospital and his arrival into the world.
Kiaen was placed on my chest for skin to skin bonding and remained there for a considerable time.
For our short stay in the hospital he would be with us in my maternity ward number C327... another trivially serendipitous sign for me because he was born on the 3rd (May) and our wedding anniversary is 27th (July).
I was discharged the following day 4th May at about 5.30pm, after I got an all clear on COVID19 and a paediatric surgeon did a small procedure on Kiaen to address a tongue-tie that would affect his breastfeeding latch... making the entire duration of our stay about 31 hours.
I have taken the time and effort to record all this down so that whenever life's challenges threaten to get me down I can remind myself, "Ignore the 97% failure probability, focus on the 3% success probability".
Also that the human condition is miraculous and it is such a privilege to experience it.
To our son Kiaen Aaryan, thank you for coming into our lives and choosing us as your parents.
Even though Papa and I are both zombies trying to settle into a night time feeding routine with you, I look forward to spending not only all future Mother's Days, but every day, with you and your Akka...
And last but not least, to my husband Kishore...without whom none of this would be possible - we did it sayang, I love you ❤️
Photo credit: Stayhome session with Samantha Yong Photography (http://samanthayong.com/)
