Dear Kelly,
I saw your advice column. http://mothership.sg/2016/11/teenage-magazines-aunt-kelly-gives-victim-blaming-advice-to-girl-who-was-raped/ And I must say it was very distressing. I saw your apology letter, http://teenage.com.sg/campus/dear-kellys-official-response-and-apology/ and that was even more distressing.
I think the most pressing thing here is that rape is never ok. And that it can never be the victims fault. This article explains sexual consent very succinctly http://www.boredpanda.com/consent-rape-comics-alli-kerkham/
Regarding your apology letter. I got the idea that you felt taking another approach automatically meant taking a "soft" approach and ultimately an approach that wouldn't "teach" this girl the "error of her ways" and that you would have missed the opportunity to "educate" your other readers.
(Please do correct me if I have interpreted it incorrectly.)
People have used this tone on me before. People who were in positions of authority; teachers, doctors, etc. I believe they did so with the best of intentions. I also believe that apart from leaving me with "lessons", it would also leave behind this sense of shame. Bits and pieces of shame that burrow their way into your being. And I found myself unknowingly adopting that kind of tone with other people. "You really didn't know better?" "Oh please, what did you think was going to happen?" "Well, you shouldn't have done that."
But was that really helping anyone with what they were going through at that very moment?
No.
Then why was I doing it? Maybe I was upset for them because they were in pain. Maybe I was upset because I couldn't do anything. Maybe I was upset because I thought I had warned them. If they had just listened! If only I had listened I wouldn't have made those mistakes.
But that was about me and my feelings. That did nothing for them. We can suggest ways for them to put protective barriers in place. We can give our opinions. We can do a lot of things. But we cannot live someone else's life for them. And we have to respect other people's choices. And we should not judge them for it. And we most definitely should not blame them for someone else's actions.
While I trust that you did that with the best of intentions, please reconsider your apology letter. Please help to change the conversation here.
To the girl who wrote in, I hope that you know by now that what happened to you was not your fault. I'm sorry to hear about what you went through. Do get in touch with the people at AWARE Singapore, or a counselling service to figure out what you should do. Much love with you.
Hugs,
Shu An
The Official Teenage Magazine
